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2017

July 21
San Diego
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Screening+Panel
Ballroom 20
7-9 pm

July 21
San Diego
Comic Con
Replay
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9:30-11 pm

July 31
Harley Quinn and Batman
Digital Comic
Issue #1
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August 14
Fathom Theater Screening
7:30 pm

August 15
Digital HD
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August 28
Harley Quinn and Batman
Digital Comic
Issue #2
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4K/Blu-ray/DVD
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September 11
Harley Quinn and Batman
Digital Comic
Issue #3
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September 25
Harley Quinn and Batman
Digital Comic
Issue #4
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October 6
Soundtrack
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October 23
Batman and Harley Quinn
Digital Comic
Issue #1
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October 30
Batman and Harley Quinn
Digital Comic
Issue #2
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November 6
Batman and Harley Quinn
Digital Comic
Issue #3
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November 13
Batman and Harley Quinn
Digital Comic
Issue #4
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November 20
Batman and Harley Quinn
Digital Comic
Issue #5
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November 27
Batman and Harley Quinn
Digital Comic
Issue #6
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December 4
Batman and Harley Quinn
Digital Comic
Issue #7
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December 12
Harley Quinn and Batman
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Issue #5
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2018

March 7
Hardcover
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Harley Quinn

Back to Villains Main > Harley Quinn

Real Identity: Harleen Quinzel
Appearances (Movies): Batman and Harley Quinn
Appearances (Comics): Harley Quinn and Batman (The Last Laugh Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and Part 5) and Batman and Harley Quinn (Harley Quinn: The Good Doctor, Harley Quinn: Task Force Ex Part 1, and Harley Quinn: Task Force Ex Part 2)
Powers/Skills: Above Average Agility, Above Average Acrobatics, and Unarmed Combat
Voiced By: Melissa Rauch

Harleen Quinzel didn't choose well for most of her life. Bobby Liebowitz supposedly stood her up at their high school senior prom for a girl who was "bigger" in some aspect. Quinzel's mother cried. After earning a doctorate, Dr. Harleen Quinzel worked at Arkham Asylum as a psychologist for five years until she was seduced by the Joker and became Harley Quinn. Then she became a recurring patient. Harley was released into outpatient programs twice but it failed to rehabilitate her. Harley eventually got tired of "competing" with Batman for Joker's attention. She secretly told her best friend, Poison Ivy, about the Joker's latest scheme. Ivy warned Harley but knew she was talking in vain. The Joker was ready to unleash his Killer Hot Sauce on the Gotham City Barbecue Festival and poison everyone in attendance. Late Thursday evening, Joker's Ha-Ha Hideout, a warehouse on the outskirts of Gotham, was invaded by Batman and Nightwing. Harley Quinn was amused with Nightwing's quip about Joker not having any taste.

Harley handed Joker his pie bazooka but it blew up in his face. He reckoned that was the last time he was ordering anything from Acme. Joker ran upstairs to the Mecha-Joker and ordered Harley to activate it. There were sparks and Joker couldn't control his robot. It started slipping on the hot sauce. Batman invoked maneuver #314 after he realized the henchmen were in the Mecha-Joker's path. Joker headed to the roof for his hot-air balloon. He noticed it drifted to the end of its tether and he couldn't climb up then saw a sign that revealed Joker's location. Harley admitted to it, plugging up the bazooka, and spilling papaya smoothie all over the Mecha-Joker's controls because she hated Batman was getting all of Joker's attention. Joker recalled his experimental rocket hat but Batman punched him out. Joker ignored Harley's betrayal and vowed he would just buy another giant robot from the former Soviet Union black market. Harley couldn't believe Joker wasn't even mad at her and only threatened revenge on Batman. She kicked him in the crotch and declared she was going solo.

Poison Ivy arrived to rescue Harley from Joker but was fine with taking on Batman, Nightwing, and the police instead. Ivy and Harley were carried off by the arboreal network while Batman and Nightwing tried to get free of the vines. Batman had a hunch Harley would try and finish the Joker's interrupted plans for the festival as payback but only the Condiment King appeared. Nightwing wasn't having it. He believed Harley was used to being junior partner and was going along with Ivy's plan.

The next morning, Harley woke up in Ivy's hothouse hideout and met her henchman Doug. Instead of agreeing to go out on a romp, Ivy revealed her plan to protect the rare non-sterile form of Fatshedera Lizei vine from Wayne Enterprises' development of the banks of the Newton River for a hotel complex. Harley set off Ivy when she made light of her vow to protect plant life. Harley in turn got upset when Ivy neglected to include herself as a person. She needed money to buy more equipment and hire more operatives. Harley thought her idea to rob a bank would only bring trouble her way. Doug agreed and suggested targeting people who wouldn't go to the police like Penguin or Black Mask. Harley recalled Catwoman was out of town. As a criminal, she wouldn't go to the police if she was robbed. Harley took her Whoopee Glider up to Catwoman's penthouse. She took down a lion portrait and opened her wall safe with a combination consisting of Catwoman's birthday, mistakenly entrusted to her. Harley prepared to raid her jewelry collection but Catwoman caught her red handed. Harley claimed it was for a good cause. Catwoman snagged Harley's left leg with a whip and slammed her on her back.

Harley zapped her with a joy buzzer. They got into a scrap until Batman and Nightwing arrived. When asked how they found her, Nightwing pointed out she traveled by "flying fart balloon." Batman pointed out an escaped felon was in Catwoman's penthouse and she was on parole. He could call the police. Catwoman called his bluff. Harley made her escape on the glider. Nightwing had a hard time understanding why Batman was so keen on capturing Harley but stopped to take down some thieves. Batman stated she was an unpredictable agent of destruction loose in his city. They dropped the thieves off at the ninth precinct on the way home then retired to the Batcave to figure out Harley's next move. Harley's returned to the hideout and interrupted Floronic Man's attempt to sway Ivy to his radical idealism. Ivy was pleased with Harley's haul. Harley hugged Ivy and suggested it was time to have some fun. Ivy promised they would later and ordered Doug to move the barrels after he was done pawning the jewelry. She needed more money to buy more chemicals as soon as possible.

Eager to spend her cut from the heist, Harley Quinn went with Doug to the back of the Iceberg Lounge for the Monday night poker game. Murphy didn't appreciate him bringing Harley. Doug assured him she was cool. Murphy advised her to behave and Doug was responsible for her. The others recognized Harley as Joker's doll but she corrected them she wasn't anymore and added she kicked him so hard in the crotch he was still sitting down to pee a week later. Rhino congratulated her and asked who she was henching for. Doug answered Poison Ivy for her. Harley became upset they thought she was Ivy's henchman. Someone noted they all thought she was the queen of the henchmen. She only got angrier. Doug told her to calm down. Harley kicked the table and proclaimed she was "Harley Freaking Quinn." A fight broke out and Doug was blamed.

Doug made his way back to his apartment bruised from a skirmish at the Iceberg Lounge only to find Batman and Nightwing waiting. After some questioning, Doug jumped out a window and ran off, unaware Batman slipped a tracer on him. Harley returned and was concerned that she was keeping her activities with Floronic Man a secret from her then asked Ivy to confirm they were partners. She did. Harley wanted to do something she wanted for once but Ivy wasn't too interested in filling City Hall with jelly beans. Harley realized she was in the passenger seat of every relationship she got into. Ivy insisted she was the only one of them she cared about. Harley was troubled Ivy didn't identify as a human, too, and ran off. She bumped into Doug, who was sure he lost Batman and Nightwing on Novick Street. They were perched atop a gargoyle and noted he stopped half a mile away. Batman wanted them to wait one more minute to be sure but Harley suddenly called out to them and led them right into the hothouse so Ivy could get the help she needed.

Ivy threatened to snap Nightwing's neck but Harley tackled her and told Ivy to her face she was losing her humanity more and more each day and was afraid she going to do something crazy she couldn't come back from. Ivy wasn't having it and made a paranoid accusation that Harley turned on her before she could turn on her. She hated her need for human chaos. Harley didn't know what else to do and cried. Ivy vowed that was tears wouldn't save her life ever again then she rode away on a giant vine. Harley turned herself over to Batman and Nightwing and found it funny that was the only relationship she could count on. She asked Batman to attempt to help Ivy when she was caught. He promised. One year after sabotaging the Joker's killer hot sauce scheme, Harley was brought before Arkham's board and asked what it meant to be sane. She answered it was an awareness of shared reality and a sense of responsibility for her choices and actions. She admitted she wasn't sure how large a percentage of the population that definition applied to.

Dr. Leland noted she was a model patient for the past year, had no contact with past associates, and had no negative episodes even after she was taken off medications. Dr. Bartholomew believed Harley's case represented a tremendous success for Arkham. The board concurred and Bartholomew revealed she was to be released at noon the next day. The next day, Bartholomew asked Harley if anyone was meeting her at the front gate. Harley recalled that would get her in trouble then admitted she thought Batman might have showed up but mused she couldn't rely on him anymore. Bartholomew reminded her she had to rely on herself and be proud of the work she accomplished. Harley stated she was and vowed to put her past behind her. Bartholomew was happy for her and saw a bright future for her. She was glad someone did. Harley managed to cut all ties with the Joker and went on the straight and narrow.

Months later, she stopped reporting in to her parole officer and began squatting in a condemned apartment building. Harley Quinn had a difficult time finding a job that utilized her psychiatric training since she was a former costumed supervillain. She ended up as a waitress at a Gotham City Superbabes. She endured a lot of sexual harassment over a period of three months. Nightwing was assigned to search for her after Poison Ivy and Floronic Man broke into S.T.A.R. Labs' Gotham branch and stole classified information. After failing to get any leads on Harley Quinn's location, Nightwing happened to pass by a Superbabes as he thought about getting a Reuben with extra kraut. He peeked inside and saw wait staff dressed like Power Girl, Catwoman, Supergirl, Batgirl, Big Barda, Vixen, Fire, Ice, Starfire, and Harley Quinn. The Harley waitress brought the orders to four men in a booth. One of the men reached under her skirt despite Harley's warning. She threw him to the floor and broke his arm. She turned the rest of the men and asked if there was anything else she could do for them. They all declined.

The man complained to Chick, the proprietor. He continued stirring a pot and gestured to the Wonder Woman-themed warning sign "Look all you want but don't touch the girls." Nightwing was convinced the waitress was Harley Quinn. Harley ate some Hawkgirl Spicy Hot Wings after her shift then walked home. Nightwing tailed her but she was onto him. Before she entered the apartment building, Quinzel called out to Nightwing to come out of hiding. He dropped down onto scaffolding. Harley revealed she got good ears from being incarcerated at Arkham Asylum. She didn't want anything to do with the "costume crowd" anymore and refused to answer his questions. Nightwing pointed out she wasn't using her psychiatric training to make a decent living and failed to report to her parole officer for months. She heard enough and kicked him. They fought in an alley. Nightwing failed to notice he was tagged with low-grade Joker Venom. He fell to the ground and was knocked out.

Some time later, Nightwing came to and found himself tied to a bed. Quinzel paced around, talking to herself, and tried to figure out her next move since he found out her secret location but she wasn't a criminal anymore. Nightwing thought otherwise. She called him "Nightwig" again, prompting him to finally correct her. She was surprised and recalled the mullet he used to have. Nightwing wasn't phased by the insults and quipped he took trash talk from bigger criminals. Quinzel didn't appreciate being called a criminal and stated she went straight. Nightwing was sarcastic. She showed him the stack of rejection letters and pornography offers. She was tired of being told what she was then noticed her dirty uniform. She stripped down to her underwear and looked through her closet. She recalled he used to be Robin but was all grown up and got an idea. She turned off the lights and crawled on top of him. She admitted she always kind of thought he and Batman were homosexual. Nightwing was confused.

Harley remembered she had to write a paper on "Seduction of the Innocent" in college and got a B minus. Quinzel admitted it was pretty lonely. Nightwing tried to reason with her but she made her decision. Nightwing couldn't believe the things he did for Gotham City. She took that as a "yes" and they fooled around for 20 minutes. Batman became concerned and followed the signal from Nightwing's tracer. Batman heard Quinzel laughing and prepared to kick the door in but Nightwing started laughing, too. He opened the door and saw them tickling each other. Quinzel, now dressed as Harley Quinn stood at attention. Batman noticed her underwear and dirty uniform on the floor as well as broken restraints on the bed. Harley went to the Batmobile. Batman asked Nightwing if he got what he needed. Nightwing grumbled it wasn't like he never made out with a supervillain. Harley attempted to bargain her help for a promise to let her to try and talk down Ivy first and help with the parole board.

Batman refused to make deal with a psychopath. Harley was annoyed and stated the correct term was sociopath. Batman suggested she would help out of self-preservation. She didn't take kindly to Nightwing trying to show her how to get into the Batmobile. Batman deduced Ivy and Floronic Man were going to convert the formula that turned Holland into Swamp Thing into a fast-acting virus then save humanity by turning it into animal/plant hybirds but was more alarmed that if the virus was mis-prepared, it would simply kill everyone on the planet. Harley didn't want to become a plant and believed the best way to find Ivy was through Doug but she got distracted after she spotted a high school flame named Bobby Liebowitz and chased him through the streets and across rooftops for standing her up at senior prom 10 years ago. Harley pursued him, causing several car crashes. Liebowitz ducked into an alley and threw a lid at her then rolled the garbage can. She slipped and fell on her face. He jumped up to the fire escape on the side of building then ascended to the roof. He jumped across a roof. He attempted to hide on a ledge but lost his footing and fell into a dumpster.

Harley tackled him and slapped him around, finally dealing with a 10 year grudge. Nightwing apologized and told Liebowitz she was off her medications. Batman added it wouldn't happen again. Nightwing offered his two cents and told him it sounded like he had it coming. Harley asked him if it was worth standing her up. He stood there then drooped his shoulders. Batman warned her he wouldn't hesitate to dump her at a police station if she pulled another stupid stunt like that again and reminded her they weren't playing a game. Harley was offended and reminded him she was the answer to his prayers. She directed him to take the Donnenfeld Expressway to Bludhaven. Batman looked at Nightwing, who shrugged. Batman turned right and took the Expressway. At some point after the 15 mile marker to Bludhaven, Harley Quinn had stomach problems from the Hawkgirl Spicy Wings she ate at Superbabes but Batman didn't pull over. She farted. Nightwing was overcome but Batman refused to cave in. She farted again. Nightwing begged him.

Batman finally pulled over to a Gotham Gas station. Harley strutted to the restroom. Nightwing offered Batman ten dollars to floor it and not look back. They stopped at a dive bar. Harley assured them it looked like and was a total dump but claimed all the cool hench-people hung out there. A who's who of henchmen were inside. Nightwing became uneasy and likened it to nightmares he has. He wasn't sure they were welcome. Harley downplayed the stares and advised to look less like they had a stick up their asses. Harley returned to Batman and Nightwing and informed them she had to do something for Doug or there was no deal. Harley took the stage and sang Blondie's "Hanging on the Telephone." Even Batman tapped to her singing then stopped when Nightwing noticed. One of Catwoman's henchmen mocked Batman with the Batusi dance and was backhanded. The other henchman was about to act but Rhino stopped him.

Nightwing took to dancing with a woman. Once Harley was finished, Doug wrote the location of Ivy's hideout on a matchbook. She thanked him and kissed him on the cheek. Before the trio could leave, the henchmen blocked the exit. Rhino vowed the only way he would leave was in a body bag. Batman drank all of the milk at once, tossed his Utility Belt on the floor and readied himself for a fight. Everyone was in a good mood on the drive back to Gotham until Booster Gold hailed the Batmobile. Booster informed Batman that most of the Justice League's heavy hitters were either off-planet dealing with something near Rigel or in Atlantis at Aquaman's christening ceremony. Batman, with Nightwing's help, made up a story about driving under high-tension wires but Booster knew that was paper crumpling in the background. Batman ended the call. Batman, Nightwing, and Harley dropped in through the skylight of Ivy's hideout. Harley tried to talk to Ivy but she was adamant there was no other way.

Batman threw a flash bomb and the fight began. Tables, beakers, and shelves were overturned. After Floronic Man swatted two Batarangs away, an electrical spark started a fire. Floronic Man stuffed a laptop and papers into a duffel bag. Goldblum came to and was stabbed in the heart by Floronic Man. Floronic Man and Ivy fled then the ceiling collapsed and an explosion was triggered. Batman emerged from the rubble first then helped Nightwing push a cabinet off of him. They found Harley trying to console Goldblum. Batman advised Nightwing not to pull the debris out of him and injected Goldblum with something. Batman told Harley to lift his head up. With his last breaths, Goldblum told them Ivy and Floronic Man needed swamp water in Louisiana to complete the process. Nightwing knew they were losing him. Harley told Goldblum he did good and they would handle it. She suggested he look up her grandmother Fran Quinzel when he got to Heaven. She thought they would really hit it off. Goldblum died. Harley laid his head down and closed his eyes.

Firefighters doused the building fire remnants while Harley and Nightwing recuperated in an ambulance and Batman apprised Sarge Steel of the situation. Harley apologized about getting Nightwing's codename wrong all the time and likened it to not being sure when to use "their" or "they're." Batman informed them about police helping set up checkpoints and Steel calling in the FBI and National Guard. Batman remotely summoned the Batwing jet plane to get there was quickly as possible. He programmed the GPS coordinates of Alec Holland's old lab into the Batwing then tried to part ways with Harley. Harley convinced Batman to take her along by emphasizing she could get through to Ivy but she neglected to tell him she got airsick sometimes until right before she threw up. Batman, Nightwing, Harley, and A.R.G.U.S. tactical agents searched the swamp. Harley was annoyed there wasn't bug spray in Batman's Utility Belt. Harley warned them about Ivy's plant traps. Several agents were pulled down a hole and eaten.

Harley shoved Batman and Nightwing into the tendrils of a plant trap to buy time so she could try and reason with Ivy but it didn't work. Ivy was convinced she was saving the world. Harley threw concentrated weed-killer balls into the trap's mouth and disintegrated it. A fight broke out between Harley and Ivy while Batman and Nightwing fought Floronic Man. Ivy taunted Harley that she was too dumb to see they were going to change the world. Harley dodged her swing and gut punched her then threw her over the shoulder. Harley picked up her branch but Ivy animated it like a snake. Harley tried to emphasize how insane the plan was. Ivy reminded her mankind was killing the planet and contended what else she could do. Harley quickly suggested she vote Democrat or give money to Greenpeace. Ivy got irritated and snapped Greenpeace was for whales. Harley was shocked Ivy punched one of her breasts and returned the favor. They then punched each other in the face at the same time. She kicked Ivy down the hill onto her lab table. Harley promised she could fight all night. Ivy had enough and tripped Harley with a vine.

Harley realized Ivy didn't even test the forumula. Ivy contended she was going to save the world one way or another. Harley went with the "nuclear option" and made the saddest cute face she could. Ivy caved in, put down the container holding the virus, consoled Harley and wept. Batman and Nightwing were tossed near them. Floronic Man was disgusted and took matters into his own hands. He raised a giant stalk. Ivy used her abilities to resist the stalk but was forced to kneel. She stood back up and declared the plant world belonged to her. She took control, gestured, and it shredded in half. Floronic Man simply punched her out then shoved Harley aside. He went on a rant about humanity's end but Swamp Thing suddenly rose up from the swamp. While he admitted Floronic Man's cause was just, his actions would upset the balance in the Green. Floronic Man dropped to his knees and apologized. Batman, Nightwing, and Harley were relieved Swamp Thing was going to save the world.

However, Swamp Thing decided it was not his place to judge and returned to the Parliament of the Trees to seek out hidden truths and know the unknowable nature in all its infinite splendors. Floronic Man laughed and removed the lid. Harley suddenly got an idea and asked for a match. Batman understood and got out a matchbook. Both Batman and Nightwing kissed her on the cheek. Floronic Man was lit on fire. He ran off in a panic. Harley Quinn went to the Gotham Zoo to visit Bud and Lou at the hyena exhibit. Harley went into the pen and sat with them. She apologized for them ending up there when she was at Arkham Asylum and realized they were being fed well but have to live in a cage, too. She presented one of the gems she stole from Catwoman's private collection and vowed to buy their freedom then hugged them. A police officer was alerted about Harley. The officer ordered her out and already had his fill of nutjobs running around the park. He tried to arrest her but she jumped out of the pen and took off.

Harley was annoyed he chased after her and jumped off a bridge and hid. She ran into Killer Croc. Croc recognized her and remembered she broke out of Arkham Asylum. Harley clarified she was released legal and proper. Croc was surprised and asked for her help. Harley didn't think she could on account of him being a murderer. Croc claimed he was sort of paroled in a work program for the government but he didn't want to do it anymore. The problem was his blood was filled with nanite technology. Harley thought the goverment was performing mind control experiments on him and wanted to go to Galaxy Broadcasting and expose the truth. Task Force X found them and demanded Croc to come with them. Harley pretended to be a hostage and drop kicked Captain Boomerang. Colonel Flag ordered Deadshot to capture Croc without killing him after he woke up Boomerang. Croc hid in a grove of trees but Deadshot shot a branch. It fell and knocked Croc out. Harley arrived and checked his pulse. Flag shot a tranquilizer dart into her neck.

Boomerang realized she was Harley Quinn. They speculated why Harley was meeting with Croc when Boomerang discovered the gem in her handbag. Harley came to and kicked him in the crotch. Flag was at a loss for the reason she was standing. Harley explained she had an immunity after years of being exposed to toxins and potions. Boomerang gave chase and refused to use non-lethal means. Croc grabbed Flag's arm and destroyed the device used to trigger the nanites. Boomerang realized Harley led him into the hyena pen and was attacked. Croc crushed Flag's rifle and explained he needed time off to be an animal or he would go crazy. Flag countered that wasn't how the task force worked and they all had to follow orders, even him. Harley caught up to them and Deadshot shot her handbag. She kicked him in the face and realized the gem was shattered to pieces. Harley was annoyed and declared she had to stop trying to do the right thing. Flag told her to step aside but was back handed. Harley tried to take Croc with her but he resisted.

They were surrounded by a tactical team. Amanda Waller addressed them and ordered Croc into a van. She realized Croc was lying about the mind control experiments and kicked him in the crotch. Waller invited her to join Task Force X and take care of the problems the Justice League was too squeamish about. Harley declined. Waller believed she revert to a criminal and would have her anyway. Harley declined again and stated she learned a lesson, to stop listening when someone told her they needed her help. She picked up her handbag and walked away. Five days after the Weinwright Swamp battle, Batman and Nightwing captured Catwoman following a museum heist. Nightwing saw Superbabes across the street. Batman noticed he was quiet. Nightwing felt a little hungry and went into Superbabes alone. The wait staff on duty were dressed as Supergirl, Wonder Woman, Harley Quinn, and Hawkgirl. He mistook the Harley waitress for Harley but she didn't talk like her at all or use the word puddin' like she did. Nightwing was still disenchanted and decided to leave. The Harley waitress looked at his butt as he left.

Five days later, Harley worked on her resume. She listed Superbabes in her work experience and put down "waitress/hostess/celebrity impersonator of myself. Sometimes bouncer" as her position. She forged a recommendation letter from Nightwing and mailed it to the Gotham Medical Center. She looked at her wardrobe, lit it on fire, and went shopping for new clothes just as the new fall looks came in. She bumped into an attorney and admired her red and black attire. She declared her a personal stylist and asked to help replicate her look. The attorney opted to just give Harley her clothes. Harley burst into a boutique and quoted "Pretty Woman," sensing it was her chance. A sales person crossed the "3" off the "Number of Weeks Since a Customer Pretended to be Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman." Harley Quinn went to the Aioli Clinic at the Gotham Medical Center. Harley went to Doris at the front desk and threatened a potted plant for a job interview. She recalled Poison Ivy and threatened the computer instead.

Doris calmly alerted Dr. Connor about Harley then told her to have a seat. Harley was surprised it worked. Doris offered her water but she thought there was a catch. Dr. Connor introduced herself as the head of the Psych Department and shook Harley's hand. Harley was surprised she was expected. Connor explained they stayed aware of all promising applicants. Harley wanted to know what the catch was. Connor didn't understand. Harley decided to start the interview and talk about her qualifications but Connor said that wasn't necessary. Harley sensed a set up and busted the leg off a chair. Connor elaborated it wasn't necessary because she was hired. Harley pointed out her license expired and she wasn't a real doctor anymore. Connor explained they would find her something to do until she could get her license renewed, she would start Monday, and Doris would give you some paperwork on her way out. Harley asked why she was being hired. Connor revealed Bruce Wayne requested that they give her a chance and he funded half the clinic. Harley was surprised Wayne even knew who she was.

Harley got a reality television program greenlit, "Ask Dr. Quinn" and it mixed TV psychiatry with a game show format that utilized an obstacle course. Harley's latest guest was Wesley. He explained how his wife ran off with the pizza delivery man. His OCD started flaring up again and worsened. Surrounding himself with many pet cats, Wesley got up six to seven times a night to make sure the windows and doors were locked. During the day, his boss got on his case all the time about his productivity which was declining because he had a hard time urinating anywhere but his home bathroom. In danger of losing his house, his cats, and his collection of vintage toasters and vacuum cleaners, Wesley applied for "Ask Dr. Quinn". Dr. Quinn joked about an old cellmate at Arkham Asylum had a hard time using the toilet in the middle of the floor. She transitioned to the standard legal requirement to inform him her doctorate was purely honorary and she wasn't a currently accredited mental health professional.

Wesley acknowledged. Quinn asked him if she could call him "Wessie." He tried to say he wasn't but she cut him off and stated he could clearly benefit from therapy like she did. Wesley used his inhaler. Quinn stated she learned stuff isn't handed to you, you have to earn it. The audience applauded. Quinn transitioned to how the road to mental wellness was paved with pitfalls then presented an obstacle course. She presented the challenge: make it to the finish line and he would win a full year of therapy from a professional. Wesley groaned. Quinn tried to inspire him. Wesley ran the gauntlet and fell into water while going rope to rope. He was hit by punching gloves that sprung from a corridor. With a bruised left eye, he continued and climbed across a net. He fell into the water. He tried jumping across a chasm from one giant ball to another. Wesley lost his balance and fell into the water. He continued to get hit and fell down some flippers into the water again, losing the challenge. Quinn thought it a shame he had to go back to his crummy house and all those cats without getting the help he so desperately needed. Quinn signed off with her message of telling everyone to be good to each other because everyone else was probably out to get them.