The Weasel
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Real Identity: Unknown
Affiliations: Task Force X and Task Force M
Appearances: The Collywobbles, The Tourmaline Necklace, Cheers to the Tin Man, Chasing Squirrels, The Iron Pot, Priyatel Skelet, and A Very Funny Monster
Powers/Skills: Enhanced Physical Attributes
Voiced By: Sean Gunn
The Weasel is a metahuman that resembles an anthropomorphic weasel. Unable to speak, he is considered unintelligent and bestial by most. Around one Thanksgiving, at Sunnyhill School, a group of children played with a ball after school unsupervised. Several of them noticed something in the bushes. A blonde girl offered a chocolate bar. Weasel took it and ate it. A red-headed boy took an apple out from his backpack and dropped it. Weasel came out from the bushes and ate it. He played with the children and bonded with the blonde girl the most. Weasel slipped and knocked the unlocked back door open. The redhead wanted to go inside but the blonde girl thought they would get in trouble. The redhead pointed out they wouldn't if no one found out. An old man passing by misinterpreted what was going on. The children found their grades and a bottle of alcohol in their teacher's desk drawer. The old man called the police and reported some type of werewolf was going to kill a bunch of children at Sunnyhill. He grabbed his shotgun and hurried back to the school.
The children and Weasel wound up in the basement. One of the children found matches and lit one. The bottle of alcohol inadvertently struck it and started a fire in some boxes. A girl ran up the stairs but was scared by the old man. He opened fire on Weasel but only struck the boiler. Weasel grabbed the blonde girl as the boiler exploded and rocked the entire building just as police arrived. Weasel watched as the redhead died. He saw the blonde girl was still alive, leaped over the flames, and consoled her. He tried dragging her to safety but the two police officers opened fire and struck him several times. They pinned him to the floor as the ceiling collapsed on top of the girl. They dragged Weasel out screaming. He was ultimately accused and convicted of killing eight children. Over time, it was conflated to 27. He was imprisoned at Belle Reve Correctional Center. In 2019, he was assigned to Task Force X, a top secret high risk black ops program that used prisoners for missions. He had a bad experience on the Osprey used to transport the team.
Weasel was one of the few survivors of the 2020 mission to Corto Maltese. He was recovered and returned to Belle Reve's secret Non-Human Internment Division. In 2022, Amanda Waller assigned Rick Flag Sr. to protect Princess Ilana Rostovic, the heir apparent to Pokolistan, whom the United States of America were in negotiations with for unmined petroleum deposits, from Circe and the Sons of Themyscira. Waller believed using these prisoners, they could arguably circumvent their new restrictions against using inmates as mission operatives. Weasel groomed himself in the common room. He coughed up a hairball and ate some of it. Flag looked at Weasel and wondered what it was. Waller explained it was one of the few soldiers still alive from Project Starfish in Corto Maltese and felt that was proof it knew how to survive. She quickly apologized and told him she didn't mean to intimate anything about his late son. She reiterated he died a hero. Waller and Flag entered the common area. Dr. Phosphorus, Bride of Frankenstein, and Weasel charged at them.
Flag drew his gun. Waller, unworried, held out her Nanite Detonation Control and applied a crippling electrocution to all five prisoners. She told Flag they were his new task force, Task Force M. M for Monsters. She also gave them the nickname Creature Commandos and tossed him the controller. Task Force M was transported on an Osprey named Sheba. While on route to Pokolistan, Weasel struggled in his restraints. G.I. Robot detected unease in Weasel and wondered if it was afraid of being discovered as Nazi scum. Flag assured him he was not a Nazi. Phosphorus pointed out he was a child killer. Flag revealed Weasel had a bad experience the last trip he took on the Osprey. They were met at the airport by the Pokolistani military and a paramilitary unit known as the Amethyst Knights. Flag tried in vain to tell Weasel to calm down during the drive to Poko Castle. Phosphorus exclaimed Weasel urinated on him. He was annoyed no one thought to take him for a walk after the long trip. Bride warned he better not be looking at her.
A banquet was prepared in their honor. Weasel feasted on a turkey. In the early evening, Princess Ilana played fetch with Weasel. Ilana told Flag she was happy to have the company. They shared a beer as Weasel dragged one of the musicians playing for them. She asked why Weasel was in prison. Flag revealed he supposedly killed 27 children but pointed out he never showed any violent tendencies since then but advised her not to invite the school choir to the castle. Weasel licked the back of the neck of a musician as he played. Later that night, Dr. Phosphorus failed to steal the Nanite Detonation Control. Princess Ilana took Flag to a bathroom to tend to his wounds. Phosphorus, Weasel, and G.I. stood at the doorway and worried as Flag stared at them while holding the Nanite Detonation Control.
Alexi, one of the Amethyst Knights, approached the bathroom door but Phosphorus stopped him. Alexi wanted to inform Flag two of his teammates left the grounds. Phosphorus estimated he needed 30 seconds. Weasel grunted. Phosphorus agreed and noted Flag was an older guy and probably had a lot of experience. He changed his mind and suggested a full minute. As they walked to the transport, Flag made it clear they should have let Alexi brief him sooner. Alexi gunned it. Weasel was thrown to the back door. On Flag's signal, they breached the manor and discovered Bride in the foyer chained to a chair with her mouth taped shut. Flag pondered why Bride was left alive and realized Circe and the Sons lured them to the manor so they could attack the castle. They took off. Circe attempted to assassinate Princess Ilana. Weasel suddenly ran into the room and tackled her out of the castle while biting her viciously.
After the hard landing, she tried in vain to crawl away as Weasel slashed her, bashed her head, then tore into her back. Phosphorus remarked he loved a good barbecue then burned her face. Flag was aghast as she screamed. Bride reckoned he wanted monsters, so he got monsters. The defeated Circe claimed the Commandos had doomed the world. The Commandos returned to Belle Reve. Elizabeth Bates, Weasel's lawyer, had been waiting three days to see him and was lied to by John Economos that was sick and couldn't meet her. She saw Weasel exiting an Osprey and went outside. Weasel was happy to see her. The guards pinned him to the ground but Bates demanded they let him go then tossed him a dog treat. She asked Flag where he took Weasel, referring to him as a man. Flag noticed and asked who she was. Bates introduced herself as an attorney with the Freedom Project representing John Doe. Flag tossed her business card and pointed out they didn't know Weasel's real name because he couldn't speak. She admitted as much. He stated where they went was classified.
Bates stated Weasel was innocent. Flag recalled he killed 27 children. Weasel remembered the night the children died and being shot at by two police officers. Bates tossed him another treat and clarified he was accused. Flag countered he was convicted. She added "unfairly." Weasel sniffed her purse. Bates stated he was unfairly accused of killing eight children. Flag remarked that made him a saint. She pointed out there was no real evidence to prove it and revealed she was waiting three days to see him. Flag relented and walked away. Bates took out photographs of the children killed at Sunnyhill School in hopes of provoking some type of reaction. Weasel licked his crotch. She snapped her fingers then asked him if any of the photographs meant anything to him. He looked at them and started to remember. He seemed sad one second then chomped on the photograph of a blonde girl and coughed it up. The guards entered the room stating her time was up. Bates told Weasel she was going to figure it out.
Economos told Bride she was leading the team back to Pokolistan with Mazursky, Phosphorus, and Weasel. During the flight back to Pokolistan, Weasel dreamed about the Sunnyhill incident in his sleep. Mazursky wondered what Weasel was dreaming about. Bride mused it was probably just chasing squirrels. They were picked up by Alexi but driven to an ambush. The Commandos scattered. Weasel climbed over a pile of trash in an alley just as a police car passed by. Weasel encountered a pack of wolves near a forest and was surrounded. The alpha was white and had some scars across its snout. He got down on all fours then confused the wolves by chomping on the ground. He tossed up a stick and caught it then gestured. The alpha got excited. Weasel threw the stick and the alpha retrieved it then returned it to him. They continued playing around. Weasel and the wolves hopped around in a run of tall grass. Weasel woke up and thought of the blonde girl from Sunnyhill School then Princess Ilana. He looked at Poko Castle in the distance then at the sleeping pack.
As the Sun rose, Phosphorus was reunited with Weasel then Bride and Mazursky as they all neared the castle. Phosphorus complimented Bride on her hot new look, her clothes ripped up from a fight in the brothel. She told him to can it and referred to him as Jack Skellington. She mused it was time to go kill a princess. Sergei checked in with a royal guard stationed in the security tower. The guard reported seeing no monsters. Sergei advised him to stay on alert. Weasel suddenly appeared in front of the guard's binoculars. Bride grabbed him by the throat and slammed his head repeatedly. Mazursky questioned the mission and wondered if they were going to kill Princess Ilana for no reason. Dr. Phosphorus noted there were billions of humans in the world and asked Weasel who would notice a few less. Weasel drooled. Phosphorus interpreted that as he didn't care. Mazursky disagreed with him and didn't think Weasel understood what he was saying. They headed to the wall at the back to the garden since it looked like the least protected.
Phosphorus created a path through the wall. Weasel saw Ilana and became animated. Mazursky held him down, realizing she was excited to see Ilana because she played fetch with him during their previous visit. Bride was naturally annoyed. Phosphorus asked if they should put him down. Both Bride and Mazursky told him no at the same time. He told them to calm down since he was just brainstorming. Mazursky tried to calm Weasel down. She asked how they were going to get close enough to Princess Ilana. Mazursky was voted to stab her underwater. Weasel ran into the pond and got her attention. Ilana noticed Mazursky and dodged her thrust. They struggled underwater. Phosphorus grabbed Weasel but got bitten on his left arm. Weasel's lips burned. Phosphorus tossed him. Mazursky lost her blade and Ilana used it to kill her. The Knights surrounded the Commandos. Sergei ordered them to halt and arrived with Waller on the line. Waller told Bride she made a mistake.
The Knights called Weasel a hero and Sergei declared they would build a monument in his honor. Phosphorus was annoyed. Bride asked if he wanted to Knights to pet him. Phosphorus thought it would nice only if they hands didn't burn off since he hadn't been touched in 15 years. Bride left to kill Ilana for murdering Mazursky then returned. Bride told Phosphorus and Weasel they were leaving and to make it fast. The two sniped at each other.