Poko Castle
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Real Identity: Not Applicable
Appearances: The Collywobbles, The Tourmaline Necklace, Cheers to the Tin Man, Chasing Squirrels, The Iron Pot, Priyatel Skelet, and A Very Funny Monster
Powers/Skills: Not Applicable
Voiced By: Not Applicable
Poko Castle is the home of the Pokolistani royal family, the Rostovics. In 2022, Task Force M was brought to Poko Castle to protect Princess Ilana Rostovic from Circe and the Sons of Themyscira. Rick Flag Sr. and the Bride looked at the portraits of the royal family and both recognized the gene pool was "above ground and inflatable." To Flag's surprise, Princess Ilana was the opposite - young and beautiful. He bowed to her but the Amethyst Knight Alexi decided to mess with him and lied only the sacred, customary bow was allowed in the castle and they were obligated to kill him. The knights surrounded the task force and armed their gauntlets. Flag claimed he was not briefed on what kind of bow to use. Alexi and the knights broke into laughter. Alexi pointed out Flag was about to mess his pants. Flag denied it repeatedly. Alexi boasted they were a lot like Americans and cited the Jamie Kennedy Experiment, Super Bowl Shuffle and the "Wazzup" phrase. Dr. Phosphorus sarcastically commended him on his current popular culture references. He then asked Phosphorus, "where's the beef?"
Princess Ilana told him that was enough and they proceeded to a banquet prepared for the honored guests. Flag apologized to Ilana for his team's lack of manners at the dinner table because they lived on prison grub. She informed him they didn't stand on ceremony and it was okay to call her just "Ilana." They toasted then she asked if he tried the prison grub. He only saw it but knew it was enough to give him the "collywobbles." Ilana insisted she loved seeing friends enjoying themselves. The queen of Pokolistan was present at the head of the table. It was evident the queen was catatonic in her senior years. Princess Ilana explained she had not been herself for a long time. The queen moaned. Ilana told them the queen was pleased they came then addressed that was why she was handling political affairs even though her ascension to the throne would not be official until the queen died. Ilana told the queen she loved her, too. Nina Mazursky noticed G.I. Robot had nothing and asked a server to bring diesel fuel.
In the early evening, Ilana played fetch with Weasel. Mazursky noted the view was beautiful but G.I. Robot stated he did not enjoy landscapes devoid of dead Nazis. He asked if they would be killing Nazis soon as Director Amanda Waller promised. She mused he would be soon. He asked her if she would like to kill Nazis with him. She promised if it was with anyone, it would be with him. She fist bumped his arm. He was pleased to have a friend to kill with Nazis with after waiting 74 years, 23 days, and 52 minutes. Ilana told Flag she was happy to have the company. They shared a beer as Weasel dragged one of the musicians playing for them. She asked why Weasel was in prison. Flag revealed he supposedly killed 27 children but pointed out he never showed any violent tendencies since then but advised her not to invite the school choir to the castle. Ilana claimed she loved American music like rock and roll. She admitted her country was a charming one but it was backwards, always rejecting progress as corrupt. She revealed it was her most cherished dream to lead her people into the 21st century. Flag quipped he wasn't sure he could recommend it. She asked him if he was married. Flag revealed he was but his wife ended up being his least favorite aspect of that 21st century. She promised to avoid that part. Flag mused missteps sometimes led a person to where they need to be and revealed they had a son when they were both 18 years old but he grew to become a fine young man and an improvement over him in every way.
Ilana was sorry to hear his son passed about two years ago. Flag believed they would have gotten on well like a house on fire. Ilana didn't think that sounded good. Flag assured her it was a good thing. Ilana then intimated she was into older men and announced she wanted to show him something. They went to her room. She showed off an armoire that was over 500 years old. Flag asked her what she wanted to show him. She quickly undressed. He turned away and told her this was not ethical and he was supposed to protect her. She asked him if he had to protect her from loneliness or lack of passion. She pushed him onto her bed and crawled on top of him. She asked if he could protect her from Pokolistani men who never saw the world, had no clue how to treat a woman, and could not see her as a human being from beyond the veil of royalty. He quickly got off the bed and excused himself, promising to assign G.I. Robot to guard her door. Later that night, Mazursky took a bath but heard a sound. She got out and saw the Bride jumping out a window.
G.I. recited the kill count of each of his World War II battles. Mazursky quickly suited up and took the stairs and caught up to the Bride. Bride was surprised no one tried to stop her. Mazursky was confused since they were there to protect them then reminded her they couldn't leave the castle grounds. She remembered the feeling of being electrocuted and called it the worst flaw in the system to be shocked for not doing anything wrong then noted it was the worst feeling ever. The Bride told her to grow a pair then went to the front gate guard shack. Bride told the knight on gate duty to open the door. He noted she was not on the schedule. Bride contended she didn't need a schedule and repeated her command. The knight eventually opened the door. She entered and rudely asked for money because she didn't have any freaking rubles on her. The knight pointed out their money was not called rubles. Bride quipped she was being insulting. The knight took out his money and counted but she took it all and left. Mazursky lied she meant to say thank you. Bride shouted she did not mean anything of the sort. They took a cab.
Flag awoke to find Dr. Phosphorus trying to steal his Nanite Detonation Control. Flag was quickly reminded of the danger of Phosphorus' irradiated skin after punching him. The fire and damage caused by Phosphorus soon caused the floor to cave in. They both fell down to the kitchen below and continued fighting. Eventually, Flag recovered the control and Phosphorus cowered. Princess Ilana entered the kitchen. Flag called him an idiot and questioned him if he thought Waller only gave him one then pointed out he would be hopping like a Mexican jumping bean for days if he escaped but if he told Waller about it, he would dead. He stressed they were supposed to be on the same team. Princess Ilana took Flag to a bathroom to tend to his wounds. Phosphorus, Weasel, and G.I. stood at the doorway and worried as Flag stared at them while holding the Nanite Detonation Control. Ilana closed the door and inquired about the control. Flag explained a button on it could activate an unbearably painful jolt directly into their brains. She thought it cruel. Flag admitted that was the point. She told him to take his shirt off in order to clean his wounds.
As she wiped his wounds, she asked if he controlled his team with the remote. Flag admitted he did hypothetically. Ilana understood why Phosphorus tried to steal it. He promised to get them under control and keep her safe. She found him to be a kind man, which was rare in Pokolistan. Ilana finished bandaging Flag's wrist and asked about the origin of a wound. Flag resisted at first but told her he was stabbed in the Persian Gulf. She asked about another and traced it with her finger. He repeated to her it was unethical for them to fool around. She reminded him she was going to the queen soon and she got what she wanted. She kissed him and they had sex. Alexi approached the bathroom door but Phosphorus stopped him. Alexi wanted to inform Flag two of his teammates left the grounds. Phosphorus estimated he needed 30 seconds. Weasel grunted. Phosphorus agreed and noted Flag was an older guy and probably had a lot of experience. He changed his mind and suggested a full minute.
Alexi didn't find the situation funny. Phosphorus clarified it looked like he was smiling even when he was not. Alexi thought he meat he wasn't smiling. Phosphorus revealed he was. The moans and knocks from inside the bathroom continued. After a long pause, Alexi asked if he could knock on the door. Phosphorus held out his index finger. The moans continued. As they walked to the transport, Flag made it clear they should have let Alexi brief him sooner. Phosphorus shrugged and told him to sue him for being a bro and doing him a favor. Flag didn't think much of the favor. Phosphorus concluded he couldn't do anything right in his eyes. Flag advised him to drop the martyr complex since he tried to murder him two hours ago. G.I. Robot armed a gun and asked Flag if Phosphorus was a dirty Nazi. Flag stated he wasn't. They loaded up into the transport. Alexi asked where the destination was. Flag showed him his phone and explained his team had trackers in their bodies and asked if he knew the location where Mazursky and Bride were showing up at. He did, exclaimed, and hit the gas. They took off for Frankenstein Manor.
With the Creature Commandos gone, Circe and the Sons of Themyscira attacked the castle. Princess Ilana was stirred out her sleep by one of the Amethyst Knights. He apologized for being rough but needed to get her to safety. He was shot in the head by one of the Sons. Ilana fled from the Sons down the eastern hall and was grabbed by a large Son. He put her over his shoulder and slapped her butt then asked what they were supposed to do with her. A doofus Son reminded him Circe ordered them to kill her. The large Son wanted to have some fun first. Ilana raked his face then ran back to her bedroom. The doofus Son noted he needed medical attention. The large Son angrily told him to go after the princess. Ilana applied the deadbolt and locked her door. The Amethyst Knights and Sons battled across the castle grounds. One of the Sons got out a grenade but Alexi sideswiped him with his transport and he blew up. Alexi and the Commandos joined the battle. A Son opened fire on Phosphorus but he effortlessly disintegrated the bullets then shoved his arm through the Son's gut and immolated him, calling him a shish kabab. An Amethyst Knight gave Mazursky her spare air suit but he was shot in the head.
Alexi and the Commandos took cover behind the fountain. G.I. Robot asked Flag if the Sons were Nazis. Flag got an idea and told G.I. those were Nazis. G.I. Robot opened fire on the Sons. His upper half levitated into the air then each arm produced three guns each and he mowed the Sons down. G.I. Robot was so enamored with killing Nazis, he failed to see Circe behind him. She blew him up then flew towards Ilana's bedroom window. Ilana ran to the safe in her armoire and removed an antique pistol. The Sons broke in. The doofus Son grabbed her head but she shoved the pistol into his mouth and fired. She ran for the window but the large Son chased her. She turned and shot him in the center of the chest. He realized he was dead and fell over. Circe blasted the window and Ilana was thrown. Circe floated in and used telekinesis to throw Ilana into her armoire. Ilana begged her to stop and in exchange she would give her whatever she wanted. Circe revealed she wanted her dead.
Weasel suddenly ran into the room and tackled her out of the castle while biting her viciously. After the hard landing, she tried in vain to crawl away as Weasel slashed her, bashed her head, then tore into her back. Phosphorus remarked he loved a good barbecue then burned her face. Flag was aghast as she screamed. Bride reckoned he wanted monsters, so he got monsters. Mazursky found G.I. Robot's head. He was happy they fought Nazis together and called it a beautiful day. He shut down. She cried and held his head to her chest. The defeated Circe claimed the Commandos had doomed the world. Flag and Ilana kissed. She asked if would be coming back to see her but Flag only talked about having to bring Circe back to the U.S. to find out why she tried to kill her. Ilana suggested it would be better to just execute her. He chuckled when she said "bong" instead of "bang" but she insisted it didn't sound like the latter. Flag insisted that wasn't how they did things in America. She quipped the Internet said otherwise. Flag clarified it's not how America should do things. She conceded he was a good man and she had feelings for him. He told her had to go and left.
The next day, Princess Ilana overheard Flag's voice on the phone in the dining hall and pushed the butler away. Flag advised her to flee the castle and warned her the Creature Commandos were on their way to kill her. Some time later, one of the Amethyst Knights, Sergei, reported the Commandos escaped but believed they would not be much danger out there on their own. Ilana found it tragic they were being misled by their own government but concluded they had no choice and ordered Sergei to find them and kill them all. Sergei thought the Commandos were friends. Princess Ilana explained they were being misled by Circe and were on their way to assassinate her. Sergei wanted to get her to the bunker but she refused to hide. She repeated her orders to find them and kill them if they had to, for the sake of Pokolistan and its people. By sunrise, the Amethyst Knights gathered and lined up in Poko Castle as Princess Ilana presided over them from a balcony. The Creature Commandos approached the castle on foot.
Eric Frankenstein took a cab to Poko Castle. He told Ivan, the driver, about his mission. Ivan was naturally very scared but got him to the castle. Sergei checked in with a royal guard stationed in the security tower. The guard reported seeing no monsters. Sergei advised him to stay on alert. Weasel suddenly appeared in front of the guard's binoculars. Bride grabbed him by the throat and slammed his head repeatedly. Eric Frankenstein noticed and was amused she was still up to her old tricks. Nina Mazursky felt it was overkill but Bride sarcastically suggested the reason for it was his hat. Mazursky questioned the mission and wondered if they were going to kill Princess Ilana for no reason. Frankenstein climbed up the tower barehanded. Dr. Phosphorus noted there were billions of humans in the world and asked Weasel who would notice a few less. Weasel drooled. Phosphorus interpreted that as he didn't care. Mazursky disagreed with him and didn't think Weasel understood what he was saying. Bride brought up the vision Waller saw and felt any risk was worth stopping it. Mazursky was unsure.
Bride looked at the security camera feeds and tried to find a path into the castle that wasn't swarming with guards. Dr. Phosphorus found feeds stored from the past few days. He lit a cigar but was surprised to find a video from two days ago that showed Princess Ilana talking to Clayface. Frankenstein made it to the tower and addressed the Bride only to be quickly shot in the chest three times. He fell down to the castle grounds. Phosphorus asked if he was a paramour of hers. She told him to can it. Mazursky pointed out they should leave just in case somebody heard the gunshots. Bride wanted to head to the wall at the back to the garden since it looked like the least protected. She jumped out the window and landed near Frankenstein. He tried to tell her about his and Rick Flag Sr.'s discovery but she shot him again then spat on him. Mazursky noticed Knights scrambling, took Bride's hand, and they ran. They took up positions near the wall. Bride believed the other side was where there were the fewest guards. Phosphorus vaporized the jaw off a single Royal Guard and went to work in burning a path through the wall.
Princess Ilana prepared for her usual morning swim in the garden's pond despite Sergei's concerns. She noted the Knights were surrounding the perimeter and keeping her safe so she could continue to be an example for her people. Sergei pointed out only her soldiers were present. Phosphorus made it through the wall and they hid among the trees. Weasel saw Ilana and became animated. Mazursky held him down, realizing she was excited to see Ilana because she played fetch with him during their previous visit. Bride was naturally annoyed. Phosphorus asked if they should put him down. Both Bride and Mazursky told him no at the same time. He told them to calm down since he was just brainstorming. Mazursky tried to calm Weasel down. She asked how they were going to get close enough to Princess Ilana. Bride stared at her. Bride believed the only way to get to Ilana was underwater. Mazursky refused to do it.
They tried in instruct her on how to kill Ilana. Mazursky stated she didn't know how to kill. Bride took out her curved blade and told her to shove it into Ilana's belly and twist then pointed out water was her advantage. Phosphorus reminded her killing Ilana was the only way to save the world. Bride stated she was a monster like her. Mazursky recalled she once said the opposite back in Frankenstein Manor. Bride claimed she was lying because she was a bitch then assured Mazursky she was the biggest freak of them all. Phosphorus added his approval. Mazursky decided to do it. After she left, Phosphorus asked Bride if it sounded like he cared. Waller quickly put out the order for the Creature Commandos to stand down after she and John Economos found Aisla MacPhersona and Clayface's bodies in Terrebone. Sergei took the call. Mazursky prepared to stab Ilana while she was performing a backstroke. Weasel ran into the pond and got her attention. Ilana noticed Mazursky and dodged her thrust. They struggled underwater. Phosphorus grabbed Weasel but got bitten on his left arm. Weasel's lips burned. Phosphorus tossed him.
Mazursky lost the blade. Ilana grabbed it and fatally stabbed her in the gut several times. Bride walked into the pond and was shocked to see Mazursky's body float up to the surface. The Knights surrounded the Commandos. Sergei ordered them to halt and arrived with Waller on the line. Waller told Bride she made a mistake. Ilana rose up through the blood and walked out of the pond emotionless. Bride crushed the communication device. The Knights called Weasel a hero and Sergei declared they would build a monument in his honor. Phosphorus was annoyed. Bride asked if he wanted to Knights to pet him. Phosphorus thought it would nice only if they hands didn't burn off since he hadn't been touched in 15 years. She acknowledged knowing how that felt. She walked away and told him she would be back. Bride found Ilana walking down the hall to her study. Bride followed her inside. Ilana told her she understood Bride was following orders and didn't hold it against her. She speculated Circe framed her in a bid to destroy the world. Bride looked at the books on her shelves and disagreed.
Bride openly stated she believed Circe was telling the truth about her. Ilana thought she was funny and opened the drawer she kept her pistol in. Bride revealed she saw Clayface on the tapes. Ilana's smile disappeared. Bride figured out she seduced Flag to get him on her side, then after they captured Circe she suggested killing her right away which would have taken care of everything but Flag refused so she sent Sergei to spy on them in America. She presumed he saw Dr. MacPherson, the preeminent expert on Themyscira, and since she would back up whatever Circe said, Ilana hired Clayface to impersonate and discredit MacPherson so Waller would have second thoughts and call off the hit. Ilana called her theory nonsense. Bride called her a power mad, sadistic, narcissistic Disney princess who wanted to destroy the world. Ilana glanced at her pistol. Bride clarified that rather than to save the world, she was going to kill her because she took the life of the only friend she had. Ilana grabbed the pistol but Bride shot her in the forehead first.
Bride told Phosphorus and Weasel they were leaving and to make it fast. An embassy official wanted to ask them questions but Bride shoved him to the ground. Phosphorus saw tears streaming down her face and understood. He patted her shoulder as they left the castle.